User Profile

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

I look at the Cross
then i look away
give you the gun
blow me away

A man is driving and is stopped by a police officer. The officer says, "Sir, I've been watching you drive and have decided that I will give you with this $5,000 Safe Driver Award. How will you spend the money?"
The man thought for a moment and said, "Well, I guess I'll buy that driver's license."
The woman in the passenger seat leaned over and said to the officer, "Don't pay attention to him; he's always a smart-ass when he's drunk and stoned."
The man in the back seat said, "Now we'll never get rid of these stolen drugs!"
Suddenly, a muffled voice coming from the trunk of the car said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Most people get straight A's...
...Mine are gay.

What happens when you turn on your headlights if you're driving at the speed of light?

My karma ran over my dogma

It's all fun and games until someone opens a portal to HELL!

Remember, if a bully ever wants to fight you, just get totally naked. I mean really, who's gonna fight someone butt-naked

Do you think they make soap that shape just to mess with us?

The Shower Company is not responsible for any soap related accidents, including concussions and anal rapes.

Sometimes I wonder 'What is my purpose? Why am I here?' ...and then I remember 'Cereal, I'm out of cereal... aisle 5.

Note to self: Pink insulation...not cotton candy.

Today we salute you, stressed out college student, during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on Starbucks & Aderol, you think to yourself, 'am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?' The distractions are tempting and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Christmas break is just days away, and your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam, because for most of us, Christmas will be spent in rehab.

You know, you can't spell exams without "sex". Who wants to study?

I take Viagra before I go to bed so I won't roll off my bunkbed...

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic... and so am I.

Why is there brail at a drive-thru ATM? . . . Typical Americans

The sky was dark, The moon was high, We were alone, just her and I, Her hair was brown, her eyes were too I knew just what she wanted to do, So with my courage I did my best, I placed my hand upon her breast, I trembled and shook and felt her heart, Slowly she spread her legs apart, I knew she was ready, But I didn't know how, It was my first try, At milking a cow.

If God watches everything I do,
I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert ;-)

Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.

How many times will I ask myself why, how many times?
How many times will I ask myself why, how many times will I cry? (2x)
[Violent J]
How many times will you honk your horn and say fuck you?
Now what the fuck does that do?
Ya feel better now? I didn't let ya pass
How 'bout I stop my car, and beat your fuckin' ass?
How many times will my neighbor beat his wife?
Somewhere in that house there's a butcher knife
Fuckin' drunk, swingin' his fists about
Why don't she wait till he sleeps then take him out
How many times will I sit in a hot car?
Traffic jam, been sittin' for a fuckin' hour
Must be an accident, I hope nobody died
Finally get there, and the crash is on the other side
The gawkers roll and they creep slow
Hoping they can see a mangled body show
Some park, and stand there and watch it all
With their kids, they point, and fuckin stare (and just look)
I remember one time I was pulled over
Handcuffed, the cop was like, show's over
People watching, hoping that he shoots me
I just wanted to choke the fucking head
refrain:
How many times will I ask myself why, how many times?
How many times will I ask myself why, how many times will I cry?
[Violent J]
How many times will I wait in a line?
It's three-thirty, I fuckin' got here at nine
I'm finally up to the front, can't wait another minute
Why am I here? to pay a fucking parking ticket
The lady at the counter acts like a fuckin bitch
No smiles, no help, you're just a piece of shit
I'm gettin' pissed, calm down, fuck it, forget it
Back to my car, and there it is, another ticket
How many times will a crackhead smoke crack
And ask me for some money cuz he wants crack
Give him money, again, he's coming back
Walk away, and here's another, "Gimme some crack"
How many time will a kid give a dirty look?
A little punk-ass bitch tryin to be a crook
I wrote the book, I was out robbin' liquor stores
When you were just a nut stain in your momma's drawers
refrain
[Violent J]
How many times will you steal my car stereo?
It don't even work, ya feel like a bitch, don't you?
I vacuum all the fuckin' glass off from my seat
I sit down, and got a piece stuck in my butt cheek
How many times did I walk in, and just sit?
And have to listen, and learn all this bullshit
Learnin' history and science, fuckin' wait
Knowin' that, will that put food on my plate?
Yeah, can I walk into McDonald's, up to the counter
And tell 'em you can make limestone from gunpowder
Will they give me a cheeseburger if I know that shit?
Fuck no, fuck you, and shut your fuckin' lip
How many times will a judge decide my fate?
Who is he? A bitch, nothing great
He takes shits, and fucks his old floppy wife
Plays with his balls and judges my life!
refrain (5x)
"And who the fuck is he?
He judges my life"

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